Wednesday, 17 February 2010


Call me old fashioned, but isn’t anyone bored of Herve Leger bandage dresses yet? Yes they’re sleek, glamourous and enough to get any man’s eyes bulging out of his head like the “awooooga” dog in The Mask (if so inclined). But come on. They make anyone who doesn’t have a figure like Bar Refaeli look like a human tire stack on legs. And they may claim to be the high-end version of Spanx, but last time I checked, if you have tubby bits it doesn’t just go away if you squeeze something tight over it; it gets bulged out of some other unforgiving part of your body. And a muffin-top back or roly-poly knees isn't a good look for anybody.

And aren’t they just a bit boring? Strips of lycra sewn together to create, in essence, a human-shaped inner tube. Yawn. I’ll admit the designs have recently become more creative, moving on in terms of colour and print and even experimenting with texture – a streak of sequins here, a plume of chiffon there. And Rachel Bilson looked adorable when she teamed her caramel design with boho hair and a vintage clutch. But she’s the exception to the rule. For the rest of us they’re fundamentally an elasticated cylinder you squeeze into before spending the rest of the evening sucking your tummy in and hoping to God you don’t get wind.

To add to my infurity, the body con dress is so overdone. Victoria Beckham’s worn one, Lindsey Lohan’s worn one – hell, even Beth Ditto’s pulled and tugged her voluminous curves into a flurry of rainbow bright designs. And away from the starry lights of celebrity land it’s the uniform of the chav. Just look how many cheap, knock-off designs are slicked upon ex Big Brother housemates in Whisky Mist and you see my point.

Herve Leger bandage dresses, I implore you. You’ve been around for 25 years. That’s long enough for anyone; most of all me. So bow down gracefully (careful not to pop a seam) and let some other sucker have a go.

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